When I received my coin for ninety-days sober, some ten years ago, it read, “To thine own self be true.” I remember holding the gold, or some rendition of, coin in my trembling hand, and reading the quote as tears streamed down my cheeks. Looking back, I’m still not sure why I was so moved by this quote. Perhaps it was because I knew I had been fooling myself for a decade, pretending to be someone I wasn’t, longing to be more than I was. Perhaps I knew, to resounding relief, the gig was up. I could, alas, be who I truly was. But who was I?
A decade later, close to ten years of sobriety under my
belt, with seismic life alterations, I am still wondering who that “self”
really is. I remember when I first started out in AA, I would hear people talk
about doing the “work.” Meaning, the real work did not lie in the removal of
alcohol, the real work was fixing what was broken on the inside. I remember
thinking, I get it, or I’m fixing it, I pray, I’m nicer, I don’t lie anymore, blah, blah, blah, and my
life DID get better simply by removing the alcohol, but I didn’t really change all that much. Because
here I am dry a decade and longing for something more. In AA, we call it the
God shaped hole. It’s that intangible emptiness every alcoholic feels and
habitually tries to fill with booze, ironically booze made me feel closer to
myself, or at least, free to be myself without inhibition. So, I got married,
had children, poured them into my God shaped hole, but my dear friends in AA
were right, again, only God, or as a reflection of God, our true self, can fill
that whole. So here I am back to square one. Who is this true “self?”
Here’s where this famous quote can be misconstrued. Coming
from years of false bravado, I am one to be heard saying, that’s just me, that’s who I am, I am stubborn, or I love to travel, or I’m a grouchy morning person. I wear my
identity like a badge. I was running the other day and heard the song, “It’s
Time,” by Imagine Dragons and found myself singing out loud the line, I’m never changing who I am. I felt this
sense of pride, but then immediately laughed at myself knowing, after years of
this behavior, that this was a juvenile approach to life.
Holding strong to who we are is all fine and good, but what
if these characteristics we think define us, don’t serve us anymore. What if
being true to “thine own self,” leaves us wanting, or anxious, or unhappy. I’ve been cleaving, arrogantly, to parts of
myself I had thought were attributes, but are really thought patterns that are
keeping me from who I truly am at my core, which is love. For example, determination,
now determination is a good thing to have when it’s used wisely, but
determination at the expense of letting my life unfold organically is detrimental
to my family and me. I read a quote from Adyashanti in a wonderful blog, A Flourishing Life, which
goes, “You must choose between your attachments and happiness.” The blogger,
Gail Brenner Ph. D., goes on to talk about how she was stuck in “if only.” Mine
go like this, if only I had a bigger
house, more free time, more money to travel, etc. These desires push me to
work harder, to write more, to perfect my existing house, to perfect my
parenting skills, and so on and so on. These thought patterns are the
attachments Adyashanti is speaking of, attachments which are keeping me from
happiness, contentment and pulling me further from my own self.
So the question remains, how do I change these thought
patterns, which are now so deeply carved into the vastness of my psyche? I look
at it as another habit I must kick, and let me tell you, again, AA was right,
quitting alcohol was a lot easier than quitting life long thinking patterns. Thinking
is involuntary, and drinking was premeditated. When I quit drinking I simply
employed all of my will, which is iron clad from German and Nordic ancestors. I
set my mind to quitting and I did, through prayer, support, and yes,
determination. Now thought patterns come from the unconscious, I do, indeed have
the power to change them, but when I’m toting two toddlers from daycare, or
running through the grocery store like I’m on The Amazing Race, I’m not conscious that I’m mentally rolling a
film about how I’m going to make my million, or how I wish I lived anywhere but
suburbia.
According to my recent devouring of meditation books, this
is when tools from meditation are employed. Apparently, after a certain amount
of time, your meditation practice seeps into your daily life. You will be more
conscious of these seemingly unconscious thoughts, and better equipped at
changing them. I am a novice when it comes to meditation. I know how to pray,
but to sit and shut my mind off for any given amount of time is as hard for me
as a 25,000 feet ascent. But I am quit certain this is the only way in which I
can find my true self, the only way in which I will be able to break my habits.
So, I set forth on a new endeavor. One which will, again,
ten years later, alter the course of my life. I embrace it with open arms and I
pray I have enough will power to stay the course. This morning, with a free
moment to meditate, I chose to check out websites of interior designers I
admired instead. Oops. This is going to be harder than I thought because just
as I felt the pull of alcohol to make me feel better, I feel the pull of
wanting, and the need for all my stuff to make me happy. Maybe I fear what will
happen if I let go of my drive for more. What would I become? What would I have
to show the world who I am? I would just have me, and my own self. Scary stuff.
